Blame it on the headwinds

A few days ago, this year’s Winter Olympics started in South Korea. Thanks to the time difference, the middles of my nights are interrupted by a compunction to enjoy various events live on television. Being half asleep, I was wondering if what I was really watching were images from my personal Olympic dreams.

I admit that I do have a problem with the misnomer that is the Olympic “Games”. Most events I’ve watched are not what you’d think of as games. They are physical endeavours, certainly – exertions like moving house, assembling flat pack furniture or even sex. But there is no score as between athletes competing head-to-head like in ice hockey or curling. Instead, we are shown races against the clock such as in luge. Or we are treated to interpretative sport, such as snowboarding, ice dancing or freestyle skiing where colour commentators talk about style points as part of the performance excellency equation.

It may be my failing, but I don’t understand style points. Here’s why: they are too subjective unlike the objective game scores even if the top and bottom scores are eliminated. It reminds me of the voting in the Eurovision Song Contest.

As I was watching on that first night, many snowboarders stumbled or fell during their second runs. Although the TV commentators opined that these errors would cost style points, I only thought that the blips in their performance would physically hurt. When the same thing happened in ski jumping, the audience was told blame it on the boogie headwinds, which  were too strong.

Yet it all got me thinking. At every Olympics the International Olympic Committee is looking to showcase and trial a new event. Strangely, the new event for the 2020 Summer “Games” may just be Olympic Pole Dancing. Talk about an exhibition!

When it comes time for choosing the try-out event for 2022, might I suggest that the IOC remember the context in which many people watch auto racing. They are transfixed, waiting for the inevitable car crash. Otherwise, all you have is cars driving around in circles without the Billy Preston soundtrack.

The new event I’m suggesting is WINTER FALLING. It enables the IOC to subdivide the event like the Paralympics – there is snow falling, ice falling, etc. In addition to the ambient weather conditions (cold, windy, snowy), there are subjective style points given for the types of fall (wipe out etc) and the consequences (strains, sprains, broken bones) and resilience from it all.

But most importantly, this is a sport that can reinvigorate my Olympic dreams. After all, I fall a lot and I’m good at it. Heck, I literally fell for my wife on our first date when running for a train at Victoria Station. Shouldn’t I be able to translate my inherent clumsiness into an Olympic medal?