The First Annual Levantine Games is a Middle Eastern precursor to and held in advance of the 2016 Summer Olympics in Rio next month. Like the Summer Olympic Games, one of the premier and last events at the First Annual Levantine Games is the One Hundred Metre Da’esh.
Today militants – wearing coloured robes with matching fitness watches, sandals and leg irons – were led at gunpoint by an American soldier to the starting line for the first heat.
In lane one in brown was Abu Musab al Zarqawi of Anbar Province. In lane two wearing beige was Abu Omar al-Baghdadi of Tikrit. Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of Aleppo was in lane three dressed in tan. In taupe in lane four was Abu Ghraib of Baghdad. Abu Omar al-Shashini of Sinjar was in lane five dressed in russet. In khaki was Ayman al-Zawahiri of Mosul in lane six. Abu Abdullah al-Rashid al-Baghdadi of Baquabah was in lane seven dressed in sepia. Last but not least in lane eight wearing bronze was Abu Ayyub al-Masri of Mesopotamia.
After being called to set position, a round of machine gunfire sent the competitors off in a slow sprint. The runners were fairly evenly matched despite restrictions in movement. When they reached halfway down the track there was the loud ringing of a mobile telephone after which, suddenly, in turn, all competitors exploded in the sound of martyrdom.
No one crossed the finish line.
It was a dead heat.
With so many Islamic militants taking part this year, organisers are praying that the competition will continue next year at the Second First Annual Levantine Games.