Hello. I’m Gerry Merry and welcome to “Gerry Merry’s Foolproof Thinking”.
I just can’t tell you how many times intelligent people ask me if it’s possible, in a modern, western society, to believe in God. The answer is not only “yes”, but if one wishes to truly comprehend God, we need a deeper understanding of some core concepts.
All that’s needed are four ingredients: a Good Book, evolutionary theory, more than a pinch of salt and some foolproof thinking. If one gets the mix just right, you will bring out the flavours of both theories and arrive at the proportionality by which man is imperfect from the Almighty.
Everyone knows that according to the Bible God created the universe in six days. In summary, He made light and darkness on Day 1, Heaven and earth on Day 2, land and sea on Day 3, plant life on Day 4, and animals on Day 5. Then on Day 6, God created Man as an imperfect image of Himself. It must have been tiresome work, because on the seventh day He rested.
Next, we fold in Evolutionary theory, which starts with the Big Bang. After the formation of the earth billions of years, not days, ago, this cosmic soup simmered and bubbled until life began and evolved at a slow pace, a pace akin to escargot. Whatever you think of the mixture, it was a soup nonetheless. Coincidentally, here the sequence of dominant life – plants, animals and man – was almost the same as that described in the Book of Genesis.
It’s worth noting that if we look at time in both belief systems, it is then possible to determine just how much of an image man is from God.
If we accept current cosmology which says our planet was formed 4-1/2 billion years ago, this would be equivalent to the end of the second Biblical day of Creation.
Add to this that archaeologists agree that the first man appeared approximately eighty thousand years ago. We could call him Australopithecus, but if we call him Adam he arrived at the end of the sixth day of Creation.
Now, let’s follow the maths on this white board I prepared earlier:
(6-2) Days of Creation = (4,500,000,000–80,000)Man Years
4 DC = 4,999,920,000 MY
1 DC = (4,999,920,000 / 4) MY
1 DC = 1,249,980,000 MY
But we have to make the terms in the equation common. To do that, we have to multiply the number of Man Years by the number of days in a sidereal year, not a calendar year, so we don’t exclude leap years. The product we get is:
1,249,980,000 x 365.25 = 456,455,195,000 Man Days
It’s as simple as that. And this ratio – one day of Creation or one God day being equal to four hundred fifty-six billion, four hundred fifty-five million one hundred ninety-five thousand Man days – is what I like to call our Image Factor or IF. And with IF we can use simple mathematics to better cook up God.
Isn’t that wonderful?
Let’s start with a light, fluffy example. Let’s say that the average person is one hundred and seventy-five centimetres tall. According to the Image Factor the average height of God would be nearly 800 million kilometres. And if we divide that distance by three hundred thousand kilometres per second squared, we learn that it would take us two thousand six hundred sixty two and a third seconds – or forty-four minutes twenty-three seconds – to go from one end of Him to the other while traveling at the speed of light.
It doesn’t get much better than that!
Or does it? Now, you probably noticed that so far I have referred to God using the traditional and accepted pronoun. He. Third person. Singular. Masculine. It therefore follows that if God is male and every male has a penis, then God must have a one too. So, if the average, properly risen, human member is seven inches long, then His Omnipotence would be nearly 3.2 trillion inches or more than 50 million miles long.
And that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.
Still, is God really male? Traditional theology states that only Adam was made in God’s image. Not Eve, who came from Adam’s rib. Such a theory would be tantamount to sexual discrimination. Perhaps the better view is to consider Eve’s creation to be the mere separation of two sexes from one composite sex. Putting it another way, until Eve became an independent person everything female was within Adam. So when Man was created in His image, God must also have been both male and female too, or, a hermaphrodite. By extension, if women have breasts, then God must have breasts too.
Assuming the average bust to be thirty-six inches, that number multiplied by the Image Factor means that firm, even textured and perfectly formed breasts are nearly sixteen and a half trillion inches. And would be a B cup.
But in the end, one needs to remember two things when trying to make up a truly gorgeous God. Firstly, that one God day is equal to nearly 1-1/4 billion Man Years. Secondly, that God began to rest immediately following the creation of Man eighty thousand years ago. And that means His Sabbath won’t end for a very, very long time still to come. And when he does…?
God help us all.